The little intimacy there was has now left the building
At the start of the Covid panic, my partner left town with his kids, leaving me to fend for myself — even though I asked him not to go.
It wasn’t the happiest of days. He was gone for weeks due to regional border closures.
Back now, and after a few (less than sincere) apologies for effectively deserting me, things haven’t changed much. In fact not at all, he may as well not even be here.
I don’t know if it is some added stress he is feeling due to the state of the world in general now, but his alcoholic, workaholic ways have now gone off the scale. …
But now I don’t know if my feelings are normal, or if maybe I am depressed…
These things called “feelings”? Gee, they are exhausting.
Having been on anti-depressants on and off (although pretty much “on”) for just over 20 years (kicked off by a nice little bout of PND), I knew that I often had reactions to things that weren’t normal. That were muted. I hardly ever cried. I very rarely laughed out loud, or felt true joy.
Instead, I kind of rolled through the days, weeks, years. Like I had a layer of oil poured over me and I was sliding through life avoiding anything pesky that would upset my chemically induced equilibrium. …
Why they are so important right now
Through out my life, I have at times lacked confidence and believed I wasn’t talented enough to achieve the things I dreamed of.
I have at times felt small and intimidated by those who I thought were more intelligent, accomplished or prettier than me.
I compared myself to everyone around me, especially those whose life I envied, and sometimes I felt that I had very little idea of where I was going or what I really wanted out of life.
Sometimes I still feel this way.
I was also been at times wound up like a spring, ready to explode into a defensive rage whenever something happened that reinforced my limiting self beliefs. …
The last few days I have felt a very deep and profound sadness which I now recognize as grief.
In actual fact, I have been in a state of turmoil for 3 months or so, caused by some issues with my teenage daughter. Her story to tell, not mine, but needless to say it involves the very stressful stretching of what could be considered as usual teenage rebellion.
After a very intense period of about 6 weeks (the worst time of my life, hands down), life has kind of gone back to normal. But not really at the same time.
Her behavior has left scars on all the family and some of her friends. Relationships have been altered, maybe irreparably. Or at least for a very long time. …
But how do we get that if we are alone?
There is nothing more heartbreaking than being alone in a relationship. For those that have been there, you know what I mean.
That ever present, dull ache. The yearning and the longing for something …. A look that really sees you, a touch that isn’t just seeking to fulfil its own needs.
So, what are your choices?
Enunciate your needs and hope they are heard? Seems obvious if you are already in a relationship, but for those of us in that place, you know that it doesn’t always work.
Seek that intimacy and affection somewhere else? …
It’s not easy, but it can help to admit you are lonely
Last night I drank too much. Way too much. Like 2 bottles of wine too much.
Today I have a deep feeling of despair and regret, but also a tiny bit of insight which I think will help me a lot.
But only If I can make myself really take it on board and act on it.
Great sadness about the deterioration of my relationship with my daughter, and the fact that she doesn’t even seem to care.
She sees a psychologist about issues in her life that she needs some help and guidance on (and that I am not qualified to help her with) and yesterday I joined her session (suggested by the psych, to get an update about how I think my daughter is doing). …
Such perceptiveness some time ago from my sister during our weekly coffee catch up. In talking about her new relationship and the mistakes she felt she had made in past relationships, she said: “The problem is, my strength is my weakness”.
As I absorbed her words — what she actually meant by that seemingly simple statement — I sat back and thought “wow”. Just wow.
And as I thought more and more about it, I realized that many of us can probably relate to this profound insight. Certainly I could.
Some of us feel we have to be strong for everyone. We have to look after everything. Make sure everyone is alright. Hold everything together. Especially for women, more so if they are mothers with even adult children expecting you to “fix” everything for them. …
The last couple of weeks has seen COVID restrictions being eased in some places. Shops are re-opening, regional borders are being relaxed, and permitted crowd sizes have increased.
So why do I feel more unsettled now than I did a few weeks ago?
I am finding it hard to muster the mental energy to do pretty much anything. It is very confusing.
Even more so when you consider that neither me nor any of my family have experienced any loss, or even worked anywhere near the front lines. …
We all have so much in common, including our vulnerability
We all know the bad things about Covid-19 and the suffering that it has caused, but it would be a missed opportunity to not stop and think about the good that has, and may still, come out of it for some of us.
One of the good things? I have never seen so many dogs being walked on a regular basis, including my own. Imagine 2 or 3 walks a day compared to the usual one (if they are lucky).
And in between walks, dogs get to enjoy their humans being close by, particularly if they are working from home (the humans that are, not the dogs!). So this certainly couldn’t have worked out better for dogs. …
I have spent a lot of years drinking too much. Not in a really catastrophic way, but still in a way that has caused me embarrassment and shame.
For the last couple of those years, my brain has been telling me “no more”.
The trouble is my brain sometimes also tells me I can have just one more, but then that drink takes over and wants more and more until I wake up at 3 am dehydrated, hot, sweaty, and angry at myself — again.
While this doesn’t happen very often, the fact that it still can and does drives me crazy. So I read every memoir, blog, and self-help book I can get my hands on to help me understand myself and find some magic combination of words that will help me simply stop. …