A Letter To Myself For When I Feel Like Drinking

I wish I had this last night…

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Regret.

Such a powerful emotion summed up in only 6 letters.

Maybe I don’t want to be sober enough?

If I really wanted to be sober, I would be, right? By trying and failing, trying and failing, all I am doing is showing the world that I am just playing at giving up alcohol.

Periods of strength and clarity, then…

I really love it when I am on a roll with the not drinking thing.

I look great and feel great physically. Mentally? I experience those usually rare emotions of hope, joy and pride. My self-esteem sky rockets and I start to remember all the things that I have wanted to do — all those half-finished projects and half-baked ideas — and get excited about doing them.

I want to do “stuff”. Anything, really! Just experiencing that emotion always blows my mind.

It also makes me mad that I have wasted so many years — years — hungover and full of self-loathing. Such an idiot. I will never get that time back. Me, who says she loves life and wants to live to 100, but then has wasted so much of it being pathetically drunk or pathetically hungover.