Member-only story
I’ve Had a Light Bulb Moment About Why I Drink Too Much
I realise I actually hate myself about the breakdown of my marriage 12 years ago
I realise a bunch of people may read the title to this piece and say “No shit, Sherlock, that is why lots of people drink”, but in the last few days my brain has subconsciously joined up a bunch of dots and then given me a huge prod and demanded I look at the resulting picture.
When I drink I hate myself. That bit is simple, right? A lot of us sober, sober-trying or even sober-curious folks know that.
What had not really occurred to me though, even with all the blog and book reading I have done, is that if I stopped drinking (and even when I feel good about that), I might find that I still hate myself.
Sure I have read comments about having to work on the underlying “you” that is still there once the alcohol is gone, but I didn’t really seeing that as applying to me. Oh no, I am fine — financially OK, no childhood trauma, children all productive and functioning, no health issues etc etc.
Is drinking a shield?
I think it was.
It made me hate myself so that my brain didn’t start thinking about why I really hate myself.
