Just Because I am a Loner

Doesn’t make me a loser. I love my tribe of one

Photo by Japheth Mast on Unsplash

People who know may be surprised that I have often felt lonely and that not many people liked me. I’ve always been the talkative one, the life of the party, not the shy girl in the corner.

And sometimes I do feel incredibly social, more so when I have a drink in my hand (which I am trying not to do) but most of the time, anything involving people makes me feel anxious. Sometimes to the point that I simply won’t go to an event if I am unsure if I will know anybody there and will have to make small talk to strangers.

I’d rather just stay at home and feel lonely and sorry for myself about how pathetic I am, than risk being ignored or rebuffed when I try to start a conversation.

Of course, that would probably never happen — there would be people at any event no doubt feeling the same and wanting desperately for someone to talk to, but I still bear the scars of a teenage friendship-group ghosting (and it wasn’t even a word then!).

I have always struggled between the two pulls of wanting (needing?) to be liked and to have friends; and the comfort of staying home where there are no mean girls to make my life a misery.

What changed?