The Big Leap
… from Medium reader to writer
I can’t remember how I came to find about Medium a year or so ago, but I immediately fell in love with the thousands of stories sitting there just waiting to be read. After dipping my toes in around the site, I became a subscribing member. Although I hadn’t listed “writing” as one of my interests for pieces recommended to me, some of my favourite authors (Shannon Ashley!) were writing about their experiences in becoming Medium writers and I found it all really fascinating — and after a while, inspiring.
I had started blogs twice, set up through WordPress, but eventually lost interest. Probably because the only comments I seemed to get were obviously spam/clickbait ads. Where were the real people? Not reading anything I was writing, that’s for sure.
I also felt a bit limited by the basis for those blogs (critiquing different health fads/sobriety) because every day I could have banged on about all kinds of completely different, random subjects that just popped into my head, often uninvited:
- Why do I sometimes engage in self-destructive behaviours (alcohol) when it just makes me hate myself? Why can’t I just stop? Why do I secretly blame my husband even though I know that’s a (convenient) cop-out?
- Why can’t I lose the 10kg I have put on over the last 10 years; and when it starts to drop off, why do I seem to sabotage it? No doubt related to the first point.
- Why can’t I be my “real self”, or even seem to figure out who that is? Why does life as a middle age mother of 3 kids (22, 19 and 16) in the place where I live still feel like a highly competitive, bitchy high school where I don’t quite fit in and feel that no one likes me (which logically I know is ridiculous). Why can’t I find “my people”!
- What shall I do with my (accidentally newfound) interest in Shamanism which resonates so deeply with me but seems slightly embarrassing to reveal to friends and family (see point immediately above).
- Why at this stage of my life do I even care what people think of me? Aren’t I supposed to be a strong, independent woman by now?
- How do you deal with the narcissists in your life? And don’t get me started on gas lighters! Am I crazy? Maybe I am.
- Why does it seem that I can’t get off my anxiety/depression meds? On/off/on/off since PND hit me like the proverbial truck 20 years ago. I don’t think I need them anymore although I do realise that means that they are probably working and still necessary. I’ve tried and the with drawls are just too hard. Why do I believe it is a sign of weakness to even be on them? I know I shouldn’t feel that way.
- Should I care that I am not ambitious about my career anymore (law), and am happy just to coast along? Am I letting down the sisterhood and being a bad role model for my daughter?
- Am I being a bit slack with said 16yo daughter — letting her have a non-stop, whirlwind social life and too much freedom after being exhausted by the last 22 years of parenting 2 rowdy boys and precocious Miss Independent?
- What to do with my 76-year-old Dad becoming old mentally before his time. Afraid of life to the extent that it is starting to affect my Mum and what she likes to do.
- Is it wrong to be vain in my early 50’s and to get upset when I see my appearance change as I age? Why do I feel like I need that external approval and not just be happy as I am — is it just because I am hopelessly shallow or have I been brainwashed by 35 years of fashion magazine absorption?
All these thoughts crashing around my head. Different thoughts all the time because like most people, lots of issues are important to me, or upset me on any particular day. So I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that writing will probably become a case of unraveling my noisy, scrambled head one post at a time.
One thing I have been impressed and amazed by on Medium is the beautiful, frank honesty that so many writers display. Revealing things about their lives and thoughts that are raw and powerful. I am really going to strive for that honesty too, however scary, mostly because I feel it will help me be objective about my life and my thoughts and hopefully lead to greater insight and acceptance (of myself and the things that drive me crazy).
My new mantra — “nothing to lose”.
